For the past week I haven't been myself. My back was so tortured and my head so pained that I couldn't think beyond my own pain to realize what a wonderful world I live in. I was really just a shadow, surviving, not living.
Yesterday Dr. B2 broke me down. I couldn't smile anymore. I couldn't come up with something quippy to get me out of the uncomfortable situation. I just couldn't be happy about the fact I have cancer anymore. How ridiculous does that sound? Dr. B2 accused me of being in denial. I accused him of being too stiff and difficult to talk to. He was shocked. I was shocked. Then he smiled. Not the creeper smile, a genuine smile. What the heck just happened?
He explained that when he first met me I was so upbeat, over the moon, ready to get on with whatever was coming so that I could get back to my life. I answered his questions with silly comebacks, and snarky invitations to BBQs. I nailed him to the wall when he tried to insult my family, and I generally didn't care what he said, just so long as we could get the show on the road. He accused me of being buried so deep in denial that I had no idea just how terrible this whole process would be and then he said the unthinkable, "Kami it's going to get worse and you need to understand that and hold on anyway."
Today he met he shadow and realized that something had shifted. With my head in hands I started to cry. I hate crying in front of people I don't know. I hate being vulnerable and open to criticism that way. But I was far too tired and sick to care anymore.
According to the nurse I had reached my nadir today. The white and red cells had bottomed out and I was feeling terrible. The chemo was doing it's job and my sanity wasn't holding on very well. Also, my potassium levels were terrible, so what happens when you combine all of these lovely issues? I cry. I beg not to go to treatment. I tremble when I speak. I shuffle when I walk. And I don't answer the question, "How are you doing?" very well. I just become a shadow and attempt to slip away.
Dr. B2 wouldn't let me slip away. He did a full make-up on me. My temperature was elevated, I was sweating, my back felt like the asphalt roller had just parked there, and I had lost 10 pounds in the span of a week. So Dr. B2 did the only thing he could do to get to me; he showed me a set of pictures of his twins. And yes, my eyes lit up, and yes the shadow faded for a bit. Suddenly this man whose culture I had no background in was human to me. We had children in common. He understood why I was trying so hard to hold on. It was actually a good thing.
After I was radiated I was sent over to the chemo side of the clinic where I was hooked up to 4 bags of medication via IV, and then given two more bags for the grand total of 5 hours spent in the clinic that day. My chaperone Miss R was very patient and kind about the extension of her day out with me. I am blessed with a bountiful of wonderful friends.
When I was finally sprung from the clinic (after also paying the remaining $8,000.00 deductible via credit card)- I was hungry. For the first time in one week I was hungry. Coach took me to an italian restaurant where before I could even look at my food I had a lovely case of diarrhea set in which had me trapped in the bathroom for the 20 minutes of our date. Sorry honey. So we got my food to go, stopped at the pharmacy for the new updated meds to the tune of $120.00, and came home to enjoy the evening; feeling like myself fully and completely. Tonight I was not opaque. I was as tangible and real as I've been in a long time. I am blessed. Happy, hopefully cooler days ahead, and fully lived lives!~Kami
3 comments:
I'm glad you can be so honest with us. It can only help to let us know what it's really like for you. Otherwise how can we help? :-)
Hang in there, quite frankly I think it's fine if you are a shadow during this, Kami. My cousin Tara had to go through awful radiation treatments and a week of chemo every month for a year and a half for brain cancer. Those radiation and chemo weeks Tara just went into survival mode. I think she literally took it minutes at a time. Then off the chemo she would perk back up and be the optimist and fighter again. There's just something about poisoning your body that way that makes everything too hard.
We love you and we're all here for you through this!!
Many people going through cancer treatment have found some comfort in using essential oils. They can lift your mood just by inhaling them and help you be able to rest and cope with nausea. Take them out and smell and see if one is really soothing for you. You can keep them with you and use them whenever you need to.
Tears of love are flowing... Will continue fasts and prayers for your complete health and happiness to be restored, beautiful Kami!
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