I haven't posted for awhile because I keep hoping that this moment in time is behind me. It's not. I don't wear my own cancer fighting shirts, because I refuse to accept that this really happened to me. Now that I'm on the recovery end of it, I don't really want to think about how I got here.
When I was told it would take a good 6 months to get back to some semblance of 'normal' I laughed inside my head. Yes, I know this is a sign of insanity, but I did scoff at the very idea that if treatment only took 8 weeks, then recovery should take the same amount of time, right?
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
I feel trapped inside this broken body that won't do what I want. Trapped, I tell you. Last week I went walking for about 2 miles with some friend of mine. I refused to quit after one, although I should have. The next two days; my hips, legs, buttocks, back, and head hurt. If I sit for too long in a car, say any longer than 30 minutes, I have a hard time getting my legs to straighten out. What the what?! It's true! I go to get out of my car, and have to brace my hands on the door to make sure my legs won't buckle before I put my full weight on them. In the words of my youngest son, "I'm jacked up."
What a go-gettin' girl to do?
Find grace.
Simple answer right? I am learning not to be afraid to say, "No, I can't do that today." It's hard to say that. I WANT to do everything that is put in my path. I want to finish what I start, be a girl of my word, and help those who have helped me out. I'm not well yet. I want to desperately to be well.
I think I look well.
Coach doesn't think I do- at least not always.
It's true. You can tell when I've pushed too hard. My rosy cheeks are nowhere to be found, and I look like a zombie. I drag my feet up my stairs to my bed, and I just cry then crash. Crying is mandatory. I have to mourn what I should be, and then crash into unconsciousness.
I want to give a rah-rah effort because there are many who have fought longer and harder than I ever will, but today I don't have it in me. So I'm off to snuggle up next to G and fall asleep while he battles the world of Skylanders before his older brothers get home and tell him to relinquish control. Perhaps I should do a bit of that....relinquish control. After-all, I have always been in good hands. ~Kami
4 comments:
Please take all the time you need to recover!! And make sure you ask us for help (it doesn't put us out) because there are so many of us around who are willing to step in at any time when things get too much for your poor body.
Good Evening Kami from London, England. I`m finally moved to want to comment having followed your blog for a while now. As a 26 year old I could so easily have had to go through what you are at present, but I was lucky. However, aged 55 I now have many similar problems as described by yourself but due to Multiple Sclerosis. My hope is that you realise you truely aren`t alone with the ,yes torment, of a body which won`t play ball OFTEN ENOUGH. And this is my point, if you can accept this but realise that the very next day it probably will play ball because you have taken it easier when needed, it won`t get you down. Just takes a little practise!
I love you Kami. And I love your rosy cheeks. On those days when you physically cannot move your legs or do one more thing to cause your head to pound... just lay there and sing to yourself. And then come up with the most amazing song lyrics the world will ever encounter. You and I are going to create something beautiful, and I'm excited. Love you.
Hey friend. You ever get a batch of brownies out of the oven to soon? you look at the outside all flaky and the edges are just starting to pull away from the sides. looks done huh? but if you don't wait until the timer goes off, if you ignore the tried and true directions, you pull the sweet treat out of the oven, slice into it and find a gooey undone mess in the middle. Ahh, but they looked done, they smelled done...listen for the timer, follow the directions. when the timer dings, the sweet reward will be sooo worth the wait. just give yourself a little time to finish healing. its okay to be a little gooey inside right now, it is all part of the process. when you are through the refiner's fire, oh the sweetness you will have!! Love you!!
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