B.A.B.I.E.S.

 

*Disclaimer: The following is going to be a bit of a whine.  Please don't think badly of me.  It's just what I'm going through right now, and I've promised to be honest with this.


Two weeks ago, I was told that I would probably not have any more children.  These words, at the time, were jumbled in with a bunch of other nasty phrases and it's just hitting me this week just how much this hurts.

I have been blessed with three beautiful boys and a body that was able to carry them.  They have been my life for the past 10 years.  I have a super supportive husband who's life goal has been to make sure that I'm able to stay home and take care of our family, if that's what I wanted to do.  For 10 years it has been what I want to do.  I've learned a lot in those 10 years.  Let me tell you what I've learned, one child at a time.

Mr. P-town over here is my first born.  He's the guinea pig that all parents are typically talking about.  He taught me how to fight.  He and I had a hard time at first; from breast-feeding to learning how to take a baby out in public.  We fought hard for those independent moments.  It was all so new to me, and thankfully he was so patient.  He has also taught me that it's possible to live with your heart outside of your body.

Captain K taught me that babies can be easy.  Always so mellow, easy going, hardly every cried.  He just wanted to be cuddled.  Super chill.  He taught me how to savor each day.  All things were and still are new and precious with K, and so they became with me.  K also showed me that love is exponential.




My final baby is G.  He has blessed my life by testing my patience.  He has always been an intense little guy from the moment he came into this world he was screaming and not a day goes by that he doesn't scream at least once or twice. Love requires patience and because of him I'm a lot more easygoing about the things that don't matter. He's also the go to guy for a buddy.  He wants to be with someone at all times.  And isn't life better with a buddy?  I think so.



So now we come to the reason for this whole post.  I can't have anymore children.  I'm angry about that.  I feel betrayed by my own body that has always been so strong and able to do whatever I asked of it.  On the other hand I feel ridiculous for griping about this because how many people out there would LOVE to have just a moment of what I live every day?  How selfish of me to want more.  But I do.  I cry at night about it.  When everyone else is sleeping, my arms ache for the 4th child I'll never hold, raise and love.  It hurts.  I'm sorry, but it does.  So, now that I've thrown that out there, I guess I can begin to let go.

My sweetheart, Coach, would rather have me with him than a million more children, but I still feel a wee bit like I've failed because I was stupid.  I neglected something so important and now I can't control the outcome.  I could delete this post, and pretend I don't feel this way....but that would be dishonest.  Instead, I'll let this stand as an entry to that last child that won't be mine in this life.  I love you. ~ Kami