Lights & Tunnels

If I had the energy today, this is how I would be lookin'!! Yep...I'd be laughing all the way down the street.

Photo courtesy of Melissa Blasi

Today marks the last day that I have to be hooked to an IV pump for 5 hours and have massive amounts of liquids, toxins, and meds sent into my body.  I made it!!! One thing to check of my list of things to do over the next few weeks.  I have 2 more external radiation treatments and 3 brachys left.

Whoa nelly! Today I had a female doctor check out my parts and she explained to me something that I wasn't aware of.  The new external radiation treatments have been made to be easy on your external skin, but on the inside I have blistered, sunburned junk.  My hind-end, and my lady parts are sunburned from the radiation.  This essentially means that I pee fire, and poop glass.  Giddy-up!  Every time my chemo doctor checks me he asks this silly question, "Kami, do you have pain meds?" I answer..."Yep."  Then he asks me a sillier question, "Do you take them?" Kami's response, "Uh...no.  I hate how they make me feel."  He just blinks at me and we move on.  Guess who took their pain med tonight after pooping glass and blood for 30 minutes straight? Yep.  Rambo has left the building.  Bring on the healing!!

I have to tell you that I'm grateful for the family that I have.  My boys pray for me every night.  My husband wants only to see me smile and laugh.  Even my dog climbs under my bed and won't leave if I'm struggling.  My parents took two weeks out of their lives to come and help me, which was awesome! My mother-in-law is now here to help out.  My sisters and kiddos came and waged war on my house and backyard, my brothers call to check on me.  I am super blessed and uplifted.

I also have a confession to make:  I am not as tough as I thought I was.  I look at the people around me who sit in the chairs during chemo, who have stage 4 and beyond; some who will never hear the words, "Cancer-free, or remission" and who are delightful, uplifting and strong.  They are amazing.  Me? I complain, and cry, and have dark moments, and sit in my tub and watch netflix with tears in my eyes, cuddling my sons and thinking of all the things we should be doing.  I'm not tough.  I will be when this is all over.  Right now, I'm just moving from day to day.  I am strong, but I am in no way like the people I have met over the past few months.  I'm also not saying this for any crazy feedback.

I want you to know that I am human.  I have suffered, and hurt, and felt like death many, many times.  No, I didn't quit.....but to be honest, I have wanted to.  There are those out there still suffering and hurting, and now when I'm on the downhill slide, I'm hoping that we'll all reach out there and find another struggling soul to cheer on.  This battle is hard.  It sucks.  But mine was for a brief moment in time.  I'm confident I will hear those magical words in the next few months.  Meanwhile there are those out there that are waiting for white blood counts to increase, and mouth sores to ease so that they continue the fight.  Please help me.  Please find them.  Please do for them what you have done for me.  Cheer them, uplift them, fight for them when they can't fight for themselves.

That's where I am tonight.  Hug your loved ones for me!!!~Kami