Baby Steps and a Woohoo!

I've been re-reading the things I've posted lately and whoa! Talk about emotional diarrhea, I'm sorry for the avalanche of emotion and the negative pendulum swing, but if I'm going to honest I guess it's all out there for now.

Today marked another milestone, after treatment ending; my first follow-up.  I haven't seen Dr. B since early September when he mapped out the treatment plan and then called to let me know who was going to be doing what.  He's since then opened a new office and his new digs are pretty sweet.  Very contemporary in the way of decor.  It's nice.

After sitting it the waiting room for a few minutes, I was called back and weight was taken.  Yes, I've lost 10 pounds since this all started, but when I peeked at my chart it still said that with my BMI, I'm overweight.  Bleh.  It's all relative right?  First they said, "don't lose weight."  Now the chart says, "please do." I cannot, obviously, please everyone at the same time.  I talked with the nurse briefly and then was told to don my favorite paper skirt and await inspection.  Okay, not in those terms, but I've been told it so much I'm running out of ways to describe it.  I did inform the nurse that I think I'm going to stop wearing pants to these appointments and just ask for the paper skirt at the front desk.  She raised and eyebrow and didn't laugh. Again all the people and none of the pleasing.

I waited for 15 minutes in the exam room, which normally I wouldn't care, but today I was feeling super anxious.  I haven't been taking the anti-anxiety meds since Thanksgiving, and it leaves me a tad shaky when I'm nervous but I'm holding on okay.  My heart palpitated once or twice and then I would hot flash for a couple of minutes.  Yes, I am a hot mess.  Finally Dr. B made his appearance looking very dapper, as usual. His back-up was a nice female Dr. named....Dr J.  She was quite nice too.

Dr. B asked me how treatment went.  I said it went fine.  He asked me about any bleeding, I informed him of my rear end.  He said it was normal.  He asked me about any pain, again I referred to my rear end and my front end that seems to be re-developing in the sunburn department.  He said it was normal.  He asked me about fatigue.  I said I was pretty wiped out after 2 or 3, again.....I'm normal.  Then Dr. J, who I had just met asked me if I had any dilators.  Again......what is with people I just meet needing to get super personal? For the love lady!!

If you want to know what a dilator is and what I am required to use it for, feel free to google: dilators for cervix.  I want to be able to write about it, but I have to draw the line on something so personal.  What I will say is this: post radiation treatment the inside of the vaginal walls tend to scar together.  Without the painful use of a dilator once per day for 5 to 20 minutes, things down there would not work.  They would scar shut and even a pelvic exam would become impossible.

Nevertheless, I answered in the affirmative and the conversation moved on from there.

Dr. B then had me assume the Yee-haw position and using our favorite speculum, gently took a look at things.  He informed me that I once again have a cervix.

There was a time when I had no cervix at all.  The mass had engulfed the entire thing.  Thanks to the success of the radiation (internal/external) I now had a cervix again.  He did say that things were swollen down there, but that they looked like they were healing well.

When I asked about the 'ring of fire' he said that the effects of the radiation would get better between 6 weeks and should be back to normal about 6 months. I replied that as long as there was hope, I was fine.  We then moved on to the next stage of recovery: scheduling the PET scan.  It is to take place sometime before Christmas.  I'm happy about this for a couple of reasons: 1) I want to see if anything else lights up (or if we took care of all the cancer) and 2) I needed it to be done before January 1st, when my $11,000.00 deductible would reset itself and everything would become out-of-pocket again.

So....

Today is a 

 kind of day.

I will admit that it has taken longer than I thought to bounce back, but like many have said, I need to patient with myself.  Who knows how long I've actually been dealing with this madness and just didn't know it?  So for now, I am optimistic and looking forward to the magic of Christmas and the joy of the season.  Only dreaming of sugar plums and not rings of fire~ Kami