Kami on Fire

Monday's brachy appointment turned out to be a battle of wills.  Mentally, I didn't want to go.  I cried, I fought, I took it out on Coach; I didn't want to go.  The mental battle that takes place each day to keep fighting and keep looking toward recovery sometimes wears thin.  I breakdown, others rebuild, and I show up to the next appointment.  Monday was like that.

Thankfully, the appointment went just like I had prayed it would.  The doctor was able to place all the tubes, and paddles with minimal pain; the techs were all geared up and ready to go so I didn't have to wait- laying on the gurney all stuffed like a turkey.  Coach was able to take me, and so when it was finished I was able to walk into the waiting room to his wonderful self and G all smiles and happiness.

The side effects of all the radiation are beginning to manifest more and more each day.  I mentioned earlier that I was peeing fire and pooping glass?  Well times that by 100 now.  I am literally on fire.

This is how I feel, only it would be picture of my nether-parts.  The radiation works from the inside out, much like a microwave and so in order for the radiation to do it's job and then leave, it has to work on my organs and then move outward.  Nothing relieves the burning.  I've tried: hemorrhoid creams, tucks pads, aquaphor, etc.  They all burn and then the burning continues.  I've been prescribed two types of pain medication and all they do is make my mind numb, but my bum still burns.  I sit in a tub, typically after using the bathroom, and soak in some epsom salted water; until the burning intensifies.

I'm now praying for relief.  That's all I have left.  Short of sitting on ice all day long, which wouldn't help my insides that are still burning, or perhaps starving to death so that nothing has to move through my system- I'm praying for relief so that I can sleep, function and continue to be a mother/wife/person.

I'm still happy that my last treatment is on Friday.  Still hopeful and confident that I will hear magical words in the future, and holding onto the hope that I can look forward to Thanksgiving with delight and not fear for what will happen on the south end of a good meal.

Until I find relief~Kami Burning.