Where I've Been.....

I won't apologize for actually living over the past few days.  I've had good days and bad days, fun days, and tiring days, but I am living and I feel really good for being able to do that.

I've had people from time to time tell me that I look tired or stressed.  Sometimes I feel fine, but the body is weary.  Obviously I wear my mental condition on my sleeve. I wish that I could change that, but after 34 years of life, I'm pretty sure it's ingrained at this point.  If I look tired, I probably am which is how healing looks at this point.

Some wonderful things that I've been a small part of lately are: a Women's Conference for our Church where I helped make cupcakes and cute cookies, then got to speak.  That was really fun and uplifting for me.  I was also called to serve in our children's group, which will also be wonderful!  We've decorated for Christmas, done some shopping, and fit a doctor's visit in there too.

The latest visit was with my brachy therapy physician, Dr. L.  What Dr. B2 found the week before, was not to be found at this visit.  He said that all felt normal and that I was continuing to heal.  I felt massive amounts of relief when he said that all was well! He then did the unthinkable and opted for a rectal exam. ::shudder:: Needless to say there were tears, and I am back to square one with the bleeding in that area.  What can you do?  I can only confess that I wish I had had a leather strap to bite down on, my cheek took the brunt of the pain and it's hurt for a few days now.

During these days I've also been the recipient of so many lovely cards, and donations.  Thank you to the McCall family who held a drawing for my cause.  They raffled off a beautiful guitar and donated the proceeds to my medical bills.  Coach's cousins also sent wonderful checks our direction to aid with medical bills.  It is really hard to express the gratitude in my heart for so many that have given of themselves, so that we could keep our heads above water.  Thank you, truly.

Wishing you the happiest of Holidays!!! ~Kami

The word for today is: wallow

It's probably  nothing, but I can't help but be worried.  Yesterday I have yet another follow-up exam with Dr. B2 in Casa Grande.  We talked about how I'd been feeling and went through basic follow-up questions, then we asked if we could do a pelvic exam.

Again with the spectacular speculum; and onto the show.  He said my cervix was effaced, ha ha! At least I have one right? Then he twisted said speculum again, and again; which I will never understand why he's the only doctor that does that.  Finally the speculum was removed and he performed a manual exam.  While he was working on the area that the tumor was, he paused for a moment and said, "Kami there's a slight bump here still."  I just closed my eyes.

Sometimes if you close your eyes, things disappear.  That's not the case when the doctor is performing an exam on your lower parts, and keeps talking through the attempt to make him and the room disappear.  I had no choice but to open my eyes.  I told him that the PET/CT scan was scheduled for Dec. 17th and that we'd know more then.

He replied that he felt the scan should be moved back further to later December to give the radiation and chemo time to shrink the bump completely.  I was torn in two.  I want this to be done, and for the insurance to pay for the remainder of this treatment follow-up.  I didn't want to wait any further.  So I left the scan where it was and left.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night.  Clearly there is still some cancer hanging out, but I've done all I can right now and just have to wait.  I have myself permission to not get out of my jammies today, and so I didn't.  I then threw myself a slight pity party for the back slide; then I got mad.  I'm mad that anything was found.  I'm mad that I can't be done so that I can stop being tired and get back to being a semi-good mother and wife.  Mad, mad, mad.

As I was attempting to nap this afternoon the thought came to me that I should push the scan back and stop being so hateful over something that is just a slight set-back.  So I called the offices and it was all set up again for December 31st.  Here's hoping the New Year will bring happy results and delightful moments that are cancer-free. ~Kami