How 'IT' feels from my Point of View.

I was asked this week to describe how cancer feels.  It was pretty great, because I was asked by my four year old such a layered question.  At first it had me kerfuffled, because I didn't have a ready answer, so I did the only thing I could think of and said, "That is such a good question, can I think about it for a bit and get back to you?"

"Sure!" was his reply and then he ran off to play.

Later on, while we were coming home from a friend's house I saw this:

This roller was smoothing over the asphalt on a newly repaved portion of the road.  Instantly I had the answer.  I pointed out the window and declared to G, "That's how cancer feels like to me."  He looked at the piece of equipment, while we were parked at the stop sign, and replied, "Oh. Okay. Does that hurt?"

How do I answer that?  As a mother I want to be strong and not show that I hurt every waking moment, because I know it's hard on the kiddos when I can't push through it.  K comments all the time how it doesn't seem like I have cancer, because I act so "normal."  Normal for me is; dancing around the kitchen to music, plopping on the couch and eating a purple otter-pop just because the boys are, movin' and groovin' because it brings me joy.  I will admit, there are days that I cannot just move and groove, because I hurt.  Also, having to smile through this amount of pain can be exhausting.  I find I'm a lot more tired these days than I used to be.  Darn eight ball!!

As I watched the roller do it's job I realized that there are days that it doesn't hurt and that is how I answered  G.  I said, "Yes it hurts, but sometimes it doesn't. I'm lucky to have those days of happy."  He shrugged his small shoulders and then asked, "How come cactus' are so ugly?"  I love kids!!

Each morning I wake up and before I roll out of bed I take inventory of how my lower back feels.  Because my cervix is under attack, my uterus responds by cramping really hard, like its in a vice.

This vice-like grip rolls back and forth across my lower back and front abdominal area, and is in constant motion.  There are lovely days when I wake up and it doesn't hurt at all, in fact, I forget on these days that I am even "sick."

Other days I struggle to keep a smile on my face, and a spring in my step.  Sometimes the pressure is so intense the only relief I find is to sit on a chair with a straight back and then slowly bend forward, stretching those muscles as far as they go.  Sometimes I lie right on my back with my legs in the air and bed them towards my chest.  In my mind I would LOVE to just lay in bed, but then the inner "Get 'R Done" girl kicks in and I move on.

Yes, I hurt.  However, I don't focus on that because there is too much to do.  I am so lucky to be able to be with my kiddos each day.  To cheer on Coach and his team.  To have the time I have to strengthen the ties with the people I love, and who love me.  In short; sure I hurt but I'm happy.

So this is what if feels like to have cancer, from where I'm living.  The time is drawing near when this won't even be an issue.  I look forward to that day and embrace this journey with a smile, a hug for anyone who needs one, and a off-handed joke if I can think of one! ~ Kami