Today, I'm just MAD.

Yesterday I received a phone call from a woman I shall call "Carmen," mostly because that is her name and also because she irritated me so much that she does not deserve an alter-ego.  In said conversation she informed me that I was scheduled to meet with the radiologist at Arizona Oncology today at 10:00 a.m.  I would meet in the Phoenix building and then gave me his suite number.

When she said Phoenix, I stopped her right there and said, "Are you sure it isn't Casa Grande? When I talked with Dr. B, he said you guys were working on finding me a doctor a bit closer to home."

Her reply was, "Nope.  I have orders to get you in here with Dr. L tomorrow at 10."

"Okay then."  I took down all the information, then called my Mother-in-law to see if she could watch G.  She said that she would.  I then called Coach to see if he would be available.  He replied that he would be ready and willing to come with me.  Perfecto!

Today dawned lovely.  We got the boys off to school and plopped G in the booster between us, and we were off to the races.  We got into Mesa in record time.  Coach and I were able to go in and chat with the in-laws for a bit before squeezing Master G goodbye.  He was mad.  He didn't want me to go.  He wanted to go with me.  It ripped my heart out and this is the reason why:

Over the next few months, I don't know how great I'll be doing.  I don't know if I'll be able to do all the things that we like to do together.  I don't want to change what we do.  I love the life that we have.  I hate leaving him with different people all the time.  Can you imagine what this is doing to him?  He's only 4. So, already the tension was rising in me as we backed out of the car port and he was standing with his back against the brick wall, one fire-engine boot-clad foot kicked up against the wall, not looking at me; face down and unhappy.  Heart ripped out.....check.

We arrived at Arizona Oncology at 9:30 and headed to Dr. L's suite.  When I went to check in the secretary gave me a happy face, then as she looked at the computer screen, her lovely eyebrows pulled together and I had a sense of dread.

"Can't find me?" I spelled my last name for her again.  She finally found the appointment and then let me know that it had been cancelled last night per patient request.  Come again?  As said patient, I reassured her that I hadn't cancelled it.  

"You'll have to talk to Carmen in Dr. B's office. I'm really sorry.  Your appointment slot has been given to someone else and there's nothing available until next week."  Tension rising.  Eyebrows pulling closer to my cheeks.  I could feel my cheeks turning red.  Tea-kettle boiling........Check.

I spun on my heel, grabbed my bag, swung that over my shoulder and proceeded out the front door.  I think Coach was behind me, but I didn't check.  I didn't realize that he was at least 10 steps behind me, until I was waiting for the elevator.

When we arrived at Dr. B's bank of suites I got to speak with Sister Happy Pants from the first meeting.  I asked if I could speak with Carmen, she wanted to know if I meant Carla.  Nope, I meant Carmen.  She called Carla.  Carla said to call Carmen.  She looked at me.  I looked back at her.  She called Carmen.  Sometimes I wish it was socially okay to shoot people with rubber bands.

Carmen took 20 minutes to come out from hiding.  When she did she was armed with an email that had been sent to her from Dr. B's P.A., which stated that the appointment that was set up needed to be cancelled per the request of the patient to find a closer doctor.  Hijole.  I informed Carmen that I had asked her about that yesterday what this appointment was made.  She remembered.  I asked her if she had tried to call me to tell me this appointment had been cancelled.  She said she had not.  I asked her if the P.A. had tried.  She said, "I guess not."

This is when I freaked out.  In my mind images of G, in-laws, Coach's work schedule, children at school, red, and rampage were floating around.  So what did I do? I choked up. I do that when I'm angry.  I usually put on my game face, and burst into tears.  It's not really fun when you're trying to wear your big girl panties. 

I explained to her what had happened to make this appointment feasible.  She listened calmly in her pink, halter top that had sequins and said, 'LOVE' all over it.  I think she blinked twice and then she apologized and said that she would get on the mistake 'STAT' to get it fixed.  In the meantime, there was nothing I could do, but go back to G, and start this all over again another day.

Coach walked me out to the elevators and then to the car.  He held my hand, he patted my back, and when the car door closed, I just fell apart.  A number of things fell out of my mouth, some of them not kind, most of them to the effect of,  "I just want this to be over."  It is the truth.

There are days that I wake up and feel so good that I forget that this is my reality.  Then 2:00 p.m. hits, my back is screaming at me, and I can barely keep my eyes open.  This is when I realize that, yep, I'm still not well.  It is in those moments that I hate all of this.  Soon one of my kids gives me a huge hug, or tells me I'm awesome, or tells me how awesome they are and the world is right again.

Today, I wanted to quit.  Today, before the bills start to really pile up, before we're in over our heads, before I no longer feel quite like myself, I wanted to quit.  I really did.  I put my head in my hands and for a moment envisioned life in denial..........................................in that moment, I found true pain.  If I quit, then what happens to the people that I love?  That hurt worse than my most terrible day to date.

So, I kicked myself in the pants.  Cried a little more, because I was so ready to be armed with a schedule and information, but now know that this will have to wait until Monday, and then I did what Coach calls, "Getting my mind right."  I took a good hard look around, listed off 20 of my blessings, and stopped feeling sorry for myself over the fact that two idiots in the doctor's office don't know how to use a phone.  Poor things.

Guess what was waiting for me at my in-laws' house? Yep! G.  He was waiting, with a snuggle, and a arm squeeze and quiet, "I missed you lots."

So, my friends, onward and upward.  Come Monday there will be a battle-plan and soon this will be over.  Hang in there with me, will you? Happy faces, and brighter days ahead!! ~Kami