Sunday, December 30, 2012

Another Night Before.....

Well folks, we're here.  I didn't think I'd make it.  Yes, my bum still burns, but you learn to deal with these things when they become commonplace.  Luckily that is all that keeps me down, at times.  I have single handedly taken down Christmas this week, played video games with the boys, loved my family up some more, and enjoyed not cleaning every waking minute.  It has been a good month for recovery.

Tomorrow marks the epic PET/CT scan.  This will determine whether or not any more cancer will be found in my cervix, or abdominal area at all.  I'd be lying to say I wasn't a bit scared.  Worst case scenario they find a bit more, and it's more rounds of chemo after coming up with another $11,000.  Best case scenario, I begin year one of 5 years to survivor-ship.  I've heard you're not a survivor until you've passed the 5 year mark post-diagnosis.  I'm rooting for the best case, and prepping for the worst.  I was taught well by my parents.

K, my second kiddo, prays for me every night.  He says, "Please bless that Mom's cancer will be gone." He says it so easily, with so much faith....that I believe because he believes.  I have remarkable children.  They have gone through hell these past months.  They have seen the best and worst of what the human body can handle and they've taken it in stride.  The other night I was putting together this Lego Transformer with K, and he said to me; out of the blue, "I'm glad you're my Mom."  I am too.

Pre-scan I was told to eat a high protein diet.  Stay clear of sugar and carbs, and drink plenty of water.  I didn't eat until this evening, but had BBQ'd chicken and scrambled eggs.  I've been drinking water, but didn't want to have to worry about bathroom issues during the scan tomorrow.  I just never know when a potty moment may occur, and I would hate to have to start a 45 min. scan all over again, just 'cause I had to go!

Starting at midnight I'm on a water only diet.  Fortunately I can still take my meds, because the anti-anxiety/nausea meds help me calm down enough to sleep well.  I'm still a bit jazzed about all that will be determined tomorrow.

After the scan, I'm heading over to the Cancer Treatment Center to have bloodwork done, prior to my doctor's visit on Wednesday.  I look forward to talk with Dr. S, with Coach there.  I'm not sure they've ever met.  Should be interesting.

Thank you for praying for me, rallying to my cause, sending notes of inspiration, getting mad at me when you needed to, and most of all for being my friend through the best and worst of all of this.  Keep your fingers crossed and a prayer in your heart that this is over tomorrow.

All my love~Kami

Saturday, December 22, 2012

A Gift I Can't Give.....

Recently my youngest has been consumed with being an older brother.  He has a cousin close to his age, whose mother just had a beautiful, baby boy; and G thinks he should get one too.  This has precipitated many conversations as to why that just isn't possible for me.

What has healed to a dull ache, is still just a dull ache.  I would LOVE nothing more than to be able to give him that wonderful gift.  I'm in such a great place these days.  We have no intention of moving anytime soon, we love our home, love our neighborhood, love our church, are happy being close to family.  It really would be a great time to add the final caboose to our family, and yet......

Rather than focus on what I can't do; I'm choosing to surround myself with what I can.

1. I can love my three children more, because I know they are all that I have.

2. I can love other people's children more as well, because children who were once taken for granted, now are such a gift to me.

3. I can feel blessed that I was able to have the three boys that I did, with minimal complications.

4. I can feel good knowing that the job I do as a Mother is a pretty important one, and focus on that.

Today G told me he couldn't love me anymore because I can't make him a big brother.  I know this isn't true, because lets me honest...what's not to love, right? Ha ha!  In time I think he'll be all right, but in the meantime I will just do a better job taking him around other people's babies and letting him soak up their joy.

Good times & Happy thoughts~Kami

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Where I've Been.....

I won't apologize for actually living over the past few days.  I've had good days and bad days, fun days, and tiring days, but I am living and I feel really good for being able to do that.

I've had people from time to time tell me that I look tired or stressed.  Sometimes I feel fine, but the body is weary.  Obviously I wear my mental condition on my sleeve. I wish that I could change that, but after 34 years of life, I'm pretty sure it's ingrained at this point.  If I look tired, I probably am which is how healing looks at this point.

Some wonderful things that I've been a small part of lately are: a Women's Conference for our Church where I helped make cupcakes and cute cookies, then got to speak.  That was really fun and uplifting for me.  I was also called to serve in our children's group, which will also be wonderful!  We've decorated for Christmas, done some shopping, and fit a doctor's visit in there too.

The latest visit was with my brachy therapy physician, Dr. L.  What Dr. B2 found the week before, was not to be found at this visit.  He said that all felt normal and that I was continuing to heal.  I felt massive amounts of relief when he said that all was well! He then did the unthinkable and opted for a rectal exam. ::shudder:: Needless to say there were tears, and I am back to square one with the bleeding in that area.  What can you do?  I can only confess that I wish I had had a leather strap to bite down on, my cheek took the brunt of the pain and it's hurt for a few days now.

During these days I've also been the recipient of so many lovely cards, and donations.  Thank you to the McCall family who held a drawing for my cause.  They raffled off a beautiful guitar and donated the proceeds to my medical bills.  Coach's cousins also sent wonderful checks our direction to aid with medical bills.  It is really hard to express the gratitude in my heart for so many that have given of themselves, so that we could keep our heads above water.  Thank you, truly.

Wishing you the happiest of Holidays!!! ~Kami

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The word for today is: wallow

It's probably  nothing, but I can't help but be worried.  Yesterday I have yet another follow-up exam with Dr. B2 in Casa Grande.  We talked about how I'd been feeling and went through basic follow-up questions, then we asked if we could do a pelvic exam.

Again with the spectacular speculum; and onto the show.  He said my cervix was effaced, ha ha! At least I have one right? Then he twisted said speculum again, and again; which I will never understand why he's the only doctor that does that.  Finally the speculum was removed and he performed a manual exam.  While he was working on the area that the tumor was, he paused for a moment and said, "Kami there's a slight bump here still."  I just closed my eyes.

Sometimes if you close your eyes, things disappear.  That's not the case when the doctor is performing an exam on your lower parts, and keeps talking through the attempt to make him and the room disappear.  I had no choice but to open my eyes.  I told him that the PET/CT scan was scheduled for Dec. 17th and that we'd know more then.

He replied that he felt the scan should be moved back further to later December to give the radiation and chemo time to shrink the bump completely.  I was torn in two.  I want this to be done, and for the insurance to pay for the remainder of this treatment follow-up.  I didn't want to wait any further.  So I left the scan where it was and left.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night.  Clearly there is still some cancer hanging out, but I've done all I can right now and just have to wait.  I have myself permission to not get out of my jammies today, and so I didn't.  I then threw myself a slight pity party for the back slide; then I got mad.  I'm mad that anything was found.  I'm mad that I can't be done so that I can stop being tired and get back to being a semi-good mother and wife.  Mad, mad, mad.

As I was attempting to nap this afternoon the thought came to me that I should push the scan back and stop being so hateful over something that is just a slight set-back.  So I called the offices and it was all set up again for December 31st.  Here's hoping the New Year will bring happy results and delightful moments that are cancer-free. ~Kami