Sunday, November 3, 2013

My Coach.....

This is him.  The man I met and then married nearly 14 years ago.  He knew all of my secrets, and loved me anyway.  He kept my heart safe and my life lovely.  He gave me three beautiful boys who are the light of my world.  He has been my everything and will continue to be until I see him again.

Coach was called back to his Heavenly Father on October 8th.  Some say it was a heart attack, others think it was congestive heart failure, the results of the autopsy are still pending.  You would think with all the medical whatnot we've been hurdling this past year, that I would be more patient with the process; I'm not.  I would like to now why he's not here with me right now- at least the physical reason.

In my heart I know that it was his time.  What does that even mean?  I truly believe that we will never live shorter or longer than our appointed time on this Earth.  A loving Heavenly Father watches over each of us and it is in His hands that we rest.

I miss him.  Desperately.

I'll probably write more down the pike, but I wanted you all to know why it's been so quiet lately.  I'm a bit lost without my best friend.  I'm also very hopeful that peace will come.


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

How much do YOU know.......

about Mesothelioma?.....

Tomorrow (September 26th) is Mesothelioma Awareness Day.  I was contacted by a delightful woman named Emmy who reached out to me, asking me to share her message about Mesothelioma.  Before I read her article, I knew very little.  After reading her article, I now know that I could be at risk for this type of cancer, and not to be too crazy about it...but you could be at risk too!  Knowledge is most definitely power, and she, along with myself, want you to be as powerful as you can be about Mesothelioma.

Please click on the above link, to find out more about this dangerous cancer.  Lets work together to help Emmy spread her message.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The Strong Silent Type

It's been awhile.  I admit that I've been avoiding this blog; not because I don't love the people that read it. That's not it at all.  Every time I end up here it makes me reflect, and I'm still living in the fog that comes post-treatment & recovery.  It's a lovely place.

The Summer has come and gone and many adventures were had.  I learned to boogie board in California, road-tripped cross country, headed to see my family up North, relaxed, got sick, and lived.  So, there are many reasons why I've been silent.  Many good reasons.

I've had two follow-ups since last I wrote.  One was in June, with my internal rad doctor, who said things looked good.  The other was with my oncologist just last week, who did a pap (which the results should come in this week), and checked my parts.  He said there was some thickening of that area.  This is primarily due to scarring from the radiation.  I told him that my bladder wants to turn inside/out everytime I use it, and he just laughed.  I wasn't being funny.  This is also a fabulous side-effect of the radiation and will probably be what it is for the rest of my life.  Otherwise, he said I looked good.  I did get chastised for not coming to see him more (wipe tear from eye here), and I promised to bring him chocolates next time.  Sheesh! Doctors can be so needy sometimes.  I've been scheduled for another follow-up in December.  Woohoo! He did let me know that re-occurance of cervical cancer typically happens within two years post-treatment.  That was something I could have lived without knowing, but I guess knowledge is still power.  I secretly think he's trying to scare me into seeing him more often.  He's forgotten that I don't scare easily anymore.

Most of my cancer fighting heroes are currently doing great! Tristan is back at school, as is Ashley.  They are returning to a semblance of normal and still fill my life with strength and awe.

Unfortunately, I learned this weekend that one of my chemo partners and the most optimistic man I've ever met, lost his battle with lung/brain cancer.  He would have celebrated his 20th year as the voice of the football team that Coach is over.  My heart aches for his family and the community who's lives he has touched for so long.  I was blessed to share a chair next to his a couple of times and we talked about football, life, kids, the strength of being positive, and how best to keep moving forward.  The world was brighter with him in it, and now heaven is exploding with color!

I apologize for the silence, but not for the life I'm living.  I am still grateful every day for the strong men and women who have changed who I am, and continue to make a positive impact on the world.  I've found out that two friends of mine are now fighting their own battles - and would love it if you would send an extra prayer their direction.  I'll give more details as I feel they would be okay with.  For now, just know that they are both really strong, committed and determined souls who will give it all they've got.

Thank you. Always.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Energy!!.....Here Energy!!!

When all of this began nearly 9 months ago, I was tired a lot.  I thought that it was because of our recent move and the crazy motion that three boys always are in.  Turned out, I had cancer.

Fast forward 9 months, past the treatment and the roller-coaster ride that is knowledge and education.  I've finished with everything and we're 5 months past my declaration of a cancer free body- but I still can't keep up.

I know I've already written about my 'new normal,' but I think I may have lied about accepting it.  Actually, I'm pretty sure I did.  Don't get me wrong, when I wrote it I felt fairly confident that I could accept it.  That I would be able to, in the long run, just be content with the fact that I was breathing.....but......

I'm not.

I wake up each morning with a mental list of things I want to accomplish and by 10 a.m., I'm beat.  Still, I push through and force myself to stay awake and do the things that Moms-at-Home do: laundry, cleaning, playing with the last remaining boy, clean some more, figure out dinner, visit with friends, help others, be happy, clean, cook get the idea.

Tonight as I'm writing this: I. Am. Exhausted.  Mentally, physically, emotionally, nearly spiritually (but not quite).  I'm dead tired and I feel like dead weight.  I don't get nearly the same amount of things done that I used to and I find that I'm angry all of the time.  Pure anger.

I'm not sure if that's the lull of the hormones in my body, or my mental exhaustion catching up with me, but I find myself sharing waaaay too much; snapping waaaay too often; and trying really hard to find more patience with the world around me, when I really need to be more patient with myself.

I think the Kami of 2 years ago is dead.  There I said it.  I really think she is.  Perhaps we should have a funeral.  I don't know.  It's so hard not to compare yourself to others.  I see other survivors who have been through far worse than I ever will and they're out running around, doing marathons, hiking, and I just can't get there.  I'm very much aggravated about it.

What's a girl to do?  The last time I used the bathroom, nothing burned per se, but I feel like my bladder is trying to make a break for it.  At any given time I feel like it's going to peel backwards out of my nether region and take off running for freedom.  No joke.

I'm currently working of finding a solution to my health insurance conundrum so that I can go to some follow-up visits.  Right now that's not feasible.  I may be angry about that as well, who knows?

So many things wrapped up into life.  I have a question for you: What do you do when you're angry, to find your center again?  What gets you going when you're just too tired to go?  Feel free to answer me in anyway you like!!

Thank you for reading and for journeying on with me! ~Kami

Saturday, April 20, 2013

The Warrior Princess I Know.......

Hey everyone.

Tonight, I feel a need to share with you the story of my friend and her family.  When Coach and I lived in Illinois we were very blessed to make friends with loads of wonderful people and characters.  There was a wonderful woman that I instantly became drawn to.  She became a beacon of kindness in a strange, new place for me. She was bright, vibrant, outgoing, warm, compassionate and had beautiful daughters!!  She is the mighty Kimberly.

We all ended up moving within almost of year of each other.  She and her daughters trekked further West than Coach and I and ended up in a beautiful State with beautiful lives.  Coach and I ended up in Arizona and are learning to find the beauty in the stark contrasts of each season.

Prior to our move in 2012, we learned that Kimberly's oldest daughter, Ashley, was diagnosed with Pre-B Cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. What began as a nosebleed, that wouldn't stop, became an uphill fight that she has endured with wit and grace.

The Beautiful Ashley

At the time of diagnosis, Ashley was enrolled in college and had to withdraw so that she could get her game face on and get busy kicking leukemia's trash!!  She has been battling for more than a year now.  She has remained steadfast and taken this cancer by storm. 

I can't say enough good things about this family.  They are strong, they are centered, they are each other's biggest cheerleaders and they embraced my family when we were so new to the world of college coaching- even though there was no reason to do so: other than they are good people.

Digging out of our own hole, with A LOT of help from our friends, has taught me the value of community and reaching out.  So tonight, that's what I'm doing.  Coach and I are still not in the best of positions to give gobs of money, but we're helping as best we can, and that is the point.  If you can, please help.  If you're not in a position to give financially, please consider adding Ashley & her family to your prayers.  Every whispered plea, on their behalf, will do much to lift and sustain them through.

I am confident that much good can com from all of us pulling together and doing what we can to make this world a better place; we can start by embracing the fighters.  Ashley's mother introduced me to the title of Warrior Princess and it's one that I wear with pride; knowing full well that Ashley wears it with much strength.  She is my hero.

Details about Ashley and her family can be found here:

A.L.L. in for Ashley

Keep up the FIGHT Ashley!! I love you & your fabulous family!!


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

There is Always Hope.

I'm dedicating this post to Boston.

I can say without a doubt, that millions of people awoke yesterday without even an inkling of what was about to unfold in their day.  I know that I did.

I had spent the weekend surprising a handful of people in Illinois, to thank them for giving me something to hope for.  They pulled me out of the dumps with pictures and cards, with donations and shout outs- essentially the were a part of a mass that helped in lifting me up when I couldn't lift myself.

The faces were priceless.  The reactions even more amazing.  It was all that I hoped it would be and still I missed getting to see many of those that were my cheerleaders from afar.  For them, I'm terribly sorry.  I did all that my body would allow and still, there weren't enough hours in the day.

I was able to bring the kiddos in this area a touch of AZ, with suckers that had scorpions inside of them.  While most preferred the ones filled with bubble-gum, others took the challenge and ate those darn scorpions right in front of me.  Whoa!!

The brown tid-bit in his left hand is part of the scorpion's body hanging out and yes, he did POP that thing in his mouth and chew away.  What a guy!!  It was a great trip and I left for the airport Monday morning feeling charged and ready to go (although my body wanted to lay down and die on the sidewalk- poor thing, I hope it catches up with my brain soon!).

Coach and I drove to St. Louis with a sense of peace and happiness.  We listened to a CD all the way back to Lambert airport and while sitting and waiting for the plane to arrive, we watched "The Justin Timberlake Experience" on CNN.  There was no talk of Boston, there was not discussion of the marathon that was taking place, it was just another day at the airport.

Coach's dad was the first one to mention it on the way back home after he had picked us up.  I listened and wondered what in the world would possess an individual to destroy someone else's happiness like that?  The ultimate victim being an 8 year old.  What kind of coward does something like that?  What kind of darkness has to totally engulf an individual to twist their mind into thinking that's a wonderful idea that will create change?  That's what it is, darkness.

Thankfully, there cannot be darkness without light.  It's just not possible.  Everything has an opposite that exudes hope and so last night I found one that spoke to me:

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook and I couldn't agree more with the sentiment.  Already this morning there are pictures posted of soldiers in Afghanistan running their own 5K in honor of the Boston Marathon victims.  There is a movement for anyone who has ever run in any sort of a contest to wear their shirts, or if they've never run then to wear something yellow.

When I was going through my bout of darkness, there was always light- I just had to look for it.

So today, I'm encouraging the same.  Look for the helpers.  Look for the light.  Find the phoenix of hope that always rises out of these devastating moments.  I'm off to change into my bright yellow running t-shirt from a 5K that I ran in 2 Summers ago and hopefully give off some elements of hope on a day that could otherwise be filled with darkness.

Choose to be the light. ~ Kami

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


I received in the mail yesterday, an answer to prayers.  I did.  Really.

In my small, silver, keyed box was the long awaited check that would bring us one step closer to leaving this nightmare behind.  The insurance company had overpaid one medical institution and said Cancer center was sending me a reimbursement check that would cover the costs of the other medical institution that hadn't received a penny.

Hallelujah!! Say it with me now...... Hal-le-lu-jah! Amen!

It came in the morning, and by the afternoon was tucked neatly in my checking account.  My bank has that 24 hour policy on out of state checks and so last night was like Christmas Eve for me.  I laid awake nearly all night so excited to be done with this stage of the game.

Let's pause for a moment.

I know that I have been blessed every step of this trial.  Every. Single. Step.

There was that initial few weeks of panic as the bills kept rolling in, and yet every time I would seek guidance about what to do, the answer was always simple: Just Wait.

If you know me, that is near to impossible for me to do.  I'm a "take action" kind of girl! I want answers, I need results, and constant forward motion is my companion.  I require this.  If I sit too long, I have this fear that life will leave me behind; so waiting these past few months has been much like a weight training class....for the brain.  I think my brain is now BULGING with patient muscles.  Now that's a funny picture that I wish I could find an image that coincides with the one in my brain!!

Finally the morning dawned, and I jumped out of bed! Literally.

I came downstairs and began the long task of going through my cancer bill spreadsheet, my pile of bills, and my checkbook, not to mention our household budget- to document each check written, each bill paid & account, and how this would coincide with our household account.

14 checks later.......

Writer's cramp!! But hey, I'll take it.  I ran out of stamps before I ran out of bills.  My husband asked me why I didn't just pay them online.  I will tell you why....I want a paper trail.  I no longer want to be hounded by collectors, and well-meaning medical bill personnel.  I want that check to be taken into their sweet hands, stamped as paid, and then sent back to my bank stating that I've met my part of the commitment.

Freedom is sweet.  Freedom from medical bills even sweeter.  Freedom from this nightmare will be the sweetest of all, and we are mere months away from a life re-set; living like none of this ever happened, but being that much more vigilant with my health.

Thank you for following in this journey through madness.  Thank you for the words of encouragement and the slaps upside the head of reason.  I've needed both of those and am forever grateful for the new friends I've made along the way.

Chin up, things are only getting better!! ~ Kami

PS- Things are happening biologically to me that I am just not ready to talk about.  Perhaps when I have a grip on what these things COULD be, I'll be less mysterious and more able to discuss them.  Until then, let's have a dance party and celebrate this part of it! Oh yeah baby!!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

4 Months Since.... last treatment.

November 9th was the date of my last internal radiation treatment.  That marked the last treatment I hope I ever have to have.  I'm not super confident that everything is mending like it's supposed to, ie I still can't digest leafy greens and red meat, without quite a bit of burning and discomfort, but I'll take what I have versus what it could have been, right?

I made it through nearly 2 days without saying the 'C' word.  That was kind of nice.

 Although, in this day and age you hear the word ALL. THE. TIME. Even if you're not saying it yourself.  Someone you know is fighting, or it's a friend of a friend.  Someone is always fighting.  It's those people that we need it always keep in our thoughts and prayers.

I recently found out that the father of one of my friend's is battling cancer.  It's a terrible, craptastical kind, which I won't go into detail about.  My initial reaction was numbness, followed by anger, quickly followed by gut wrenching sorrow.  This part of life is not fair.  I'm praying each night for a miracle, because Dads are important and no one should ever be without a Dad.  No one.

In another vein, my family's goal to achieve 2,013 random acts of kindness keeps getting curtailed.  It gets super tricky to think of random acts that don't involve giving away money (mostly because I don't have any to give away, but if I did...I completely would! I wish I had some to give away, ::sheesh::).  Like my 2nd kiddo always says, "Well, anywho...." I've decided that rather than count each one off, I will pray for opportunities to help someone.  One day, it was talking to a baby in a shopping cart, while her mother attempted to find the right juice for the kiddos.  Said baby was screamin' up a storm when I strolled by with my cart, and G. I stopped, poked her in the tummy and made a toot noise.  That caught her by surprise and she hiccuped for a bit, until her Mom came over to see what had calmed the kiddo.  She thanked me, and said that she was nearly at the end of her rope.  I quipped, "Well tie a knot and hang on sister.  They get more fun down the line, but you sure miss the little toothless grins and the chubby hands that only want you!" She agreed and down the aisle I went.

That's when it hit me.  Random acts are that simple.  Letting someone pull in front of you that seems in a big hurry, picking up a dropped item and returning it to the owner, smiling at the busy checkout clerk and asking how their day is going.....all random, all kind.  You get the idea.

So my little family and me, we're plugging along.  So far we're on schedule to meet our goal.  This requires that each member find one act per day, and one of us gets to do two.  Since setting this challenge, we've decided that these acts CAN'T include money, because that's super easy- although I've already broken it a few times to help out cute kiddos buying their first something with their own money, and pitching in a few dollars to someone who needed it.  I can't help it.

Here's to a world without Cancer, and a lifetime of Random Acts of Kindness.

I'm off to go and get G and take him to the potty before tucking him in.  I think that should count as a random act, because he's currently sleeping atop Coach....and I know he drank a large glass of water before slipping into slumber act.  I could leave him, but they'd both wake up swimming.

Much love~ Kami

Monday, March 4, 2013

The New Normal

Today I woke up, and did laundry.

Wow! Right? Yep, it really did.  I did laundry and made cookies with G.  We worked on the letters in his name, and mosied on down the road to literacy.  It's been a good day.

I only spent a few hours on the phone tracking down claims and asking medical personnel to resubmit their claims that were processed wrong.  I got a wonderful FB message from a dear friend that made me jump for joy some more.

It's been an outstanding day.

I've also felt the loss of a family that I don't even know.  Their story is documented on Facebook and is called Mitchell's Journey.  I was keyed into this family through a friend of mine, who's son has recently beaten Ewings Sarcoma.  It took a bit of his leg,  but he triumphed with more heart than I've ever seen before.  He leaves me feeling uplifted and strengthened.  Mitchell's story has also done this for me.  Mitchell fought hard, and then left this world a better place.  I've sobbed all weekend for this boy and his sweet family.  I've never met them.  In all reality, I've never met Tristan either, but I love them each as though they are mine.....because they have hearts of warriors and allowed us all to peek into their fight.  They are such a true definition of fighter and living every breath of every moment. They are what life is about.

Life is give and take.  We are constantly reminded of this.

I'm grateful that I've been given more years with my kids.  That they are healthy, and that we can all rejoice in the destruction of the dark cloud that loomed for so long.

It's funny though......

I find myself wondering if there will ever be a day when I don't have to talk about cancer anymore.  Probably not.  How can we live in this world where every moment, someone else is learning a new hard truth, and someone else's family is starting their journey on this terrible path?

The new normal is clearer and more distinct.  Reality hit us hard, and I am grateful for the reminder of how fragile this existence really is.  Today is a good day to hug those that you love just a bit tighter, to call those that you've lost contact with, just to remind them of the difference they've made in your life; to forgive someone whom you thought you never could.

My new normal is exciting, and scary and breathtaking.  It's a better perspective than I would have had otherwise.  So for now, I'm off to fold some underwear and attempt to sneak up on my 4 year old- just to hear him scream and giggle like mad.  It's a new normal, and it's a good one. ~Kami

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

What now?

The tests came back negative.  I'm officially cancer free.

What now?

I've learned there is fall out from every choice that we make.  While I was going through treatment I made the choice to be as strong as I could be.  This includes attempting as much as I could to avoid looking weak. It seems that I've alienated some people, and made others feel as though I had robbed them of a chance to  help me.

That's on me.

When you're in survival mode, you do what you have to do.  I've never been really good at asking for help and allowing others into the circle that would mean I would have to break down in front of them.  I've learned a lot from this experience.  There are people out there that would like nothing more than to uplift and sustain others.  They want to come to the rescue and feel hurt when that doesn't happen.

All I can say is that I wanted to make it through this with some semblance of dignity.  Something that was still me.  Is it pride? Probably.  I've learned from beginning to end that pride has no place in recovery, but may sometimes be all that you have when you're barely hanging on.  I'll apologize for not letting everyone in, but I won't apologize for keeping something to rebuild on.  I can't.

In the days that have followed the announcement, bills have flooded in.  I'll try to explain what's happened as best I can, but it might be a bit murky.

On August 6th, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer.  The staging came later, but since I had only been on my new insurance for a month, the insurance company felt it prudent to commence a medical review.  It's good business.  It just stinks for those of use who are honest and need treatment.  This is again a case of the few ruining it for the many.

The medical review commenced, and in the meantime precertifications for treatments were being issued.  I received treatment from two places: Arizona Oncology (brachy therapy) and Cancer Treatment Services of Arizona (radiation & chemo-therapy).  All treatments were pre-approved.  However, the CTSA took one look at my LARGE deductible and requested that I meet the deductible before I could begin treatment officially.  This is where I screwed up.

I trusted the clinic to have my best interests in mind.  I trusted.  I don't fault at all the people that work there. I fault my misunderstanding of the situation and my ignorance.  When a medical facility asks you to pay $11,000 up front, it should bother you.  It should!  At the time, I only wanted to get started and get finished. So I gave them the money.  I only had the money because so many people had rallied to my cause.  We were able to put a large amount down via a check, and then put the rest on credit cards.  I paid the deductible.

The facility pulled from that money while I was having treatment to cover the costs.  What didn't happen and should of......the insurance was never contacted and told that the deductible had been met.

While the medical review was ongoing, all the claims that were being filed with the insurance were sitting in a holding pattern.  Waiting.  When the review was released in December, most of the claims that had been sitting were sent back as patient owing.  This means that I've been getting bills in the mail for VERY LARGE AMOUNTS, due to the order that claims were received.  What is boils down to is that the CTSA claims came in after a lot of the Arizona Oncology claims, even though I had met the deductible, it was still coming up as I was owing.  At this point I still have 87 claims being processed. Urp!!

I'm learning.  I talk on the phone at least three to four times a week.  The time limits of these phone calls have gone from 15 minutes to 2 and a half hours, trying to get it all figured out.  I have lab bills with large amounts owing, and a credit card still to pay off.  I'm confident this will all get resolved, it's just

In hindsight I should have held onto that large deductible amount.  This is what I was educated on by my sister.  If I was feeling better, I would have had better reasoning, and then requested that the facility accept a co-pay or down payment and then send the rest through insurance.  It should ALWAYS be processed through insurance first.  Makes sense now....makes sense now that I can keep my eyes open for longer than a few hours.  I'm just grateful it makes sense at all.

I have my sister to thank for that.  When the first LARGE bill hit, I fell into a dark hole.  I felt like I had tanked my family once again.  Financial hardship has dogged us throughout our lives and it's typically due to choices I've made.  That's a heavy burden.  After I had swallowed a large chunk of my pride, I called my Sister A to find out if she knew anything about this mess.   Turns out SHE DOES! Insurance is her passion and she's very good at finding out the ins and outs of how the system works.  So I've called everyone and keep letting them know what's going on.  There is an end to this, I know there is.

In the meantime, if you know of anyone that needs a freelance writer, or of anyone hiring positions that can be worked from home (since I still have one kiddo here at home during the day), please let me know.  I'm confident that all will work out- I just like to be able to help.

Much love, and brighter tomorrows~Kami

Thursday, January 24, 2013

What I've Learned about Recovery

I haven't posted for awhile because I keep hoping that this moment in time is behind me.  It's not.  I don't wear my own cancer fighting shirts, because I refuse to accept that this really happened to me.  Now that I'm on the recovery end of it, I don't really want to think about how I got here.

When I was told it would take a good 6 months to get back to some semblance of 'normal' I laughed inside my head.  Yes, I know this is a sign of insanity, but I did scoff at the very idea that if treatment only took 8 weeks, then recovery should take the same amount of time, right?

Wrong.  Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I feel trapped inside this broken body that won't do what I want.  Trapped, I tell you.  Last week I went walking for about 2 miles with some friend of mine.  I refused to quit after one, although I should have.  The next two days; my hips, legs, buttocks, back, and head hurt.  If I sit for too long in a car, say any longer than 30 minutes, I have a hard time getting my legs to straighten out.  What the what?!  It's true! I go to get out of my car, and have to brace my hands on the door to make sure my legs won't buckle before I put my full weight on them.  In the words of my youngest son, "I'm jacked up."

What a go-gettin' girl to do?

Find grace.

Simple answer right? I am learning not to be afraid to say, "No, I can't do that today."  It's hard to say that.  I WANT to do everything that is put in my path.  I want to finish what I start, be a girl of my word, and help those who have helped me out.  I'm not well yet.  I want to desperately to be well.

I think I look well.

Coach doesn't think I do- at least not always.

It's true.  You can tell when I've pushed too hard.  My rosy cheeks are nowhere to be found, and I look like a zombie.  I drag my feet up my stairs to my bed, and I just cry then crash.  Crying is mandatory.  I have to mourn what I should be, and then crash into unconsciousness.

I want to give a rah-rah effort because there are many who have fought longer and harder than I ever will, but today I don't have it in me.  So I'm off to snuggle up next to G and fall asleep while he battles the world of Skylanders before his older brothers get home and tell him to relinquish control.  Perhaps I should do a bit of that....relinquish control.  After-all, I have always been in good hands. ~Kami

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

And the results are in.....

I woke up today feeling anxious.  I really had no reason to feel anxious.  I knew I was in good hands.  Countless prayers have been given on by behalf.  Numberless pleas, wishes, hopes.  Every time I would look into the stars it reminded me of all the support and love that I had behind me, every step of the way.  They number like the stars, YOU number like the stars.

When we reached Casa Grande, the boys were given their DSs and asked to wait in the lobby.  Children under the age of 16 aren't allowed back in the treatment areas.  Coach and I walked back and spoke with the ultra fabulous D who is always bright, cheery, sassy, and soothes my frazzled nerves.  She said she hadn't read the results, but would if I wanted her to.  Then asked me if I wanted to read them.  While I should be more medically savvy about all of this, I was afraid I would read it wrong and so I declined.  After we spoke, she left and we awaited the arrival of Dr. S.

We didn't have to wait long.  Dr. S showed up in a grey, plaid-like hat.  He was all business as usual, and got right to the point.  "Your results are.....negative. There is no trace of cancer in your body at this time."  Then he proceeded to ask me to sit back up on the exam table, and he poked my armpits.

It's funny though.  When the words were finally spoken out loud, I felt like I could finally breath again.  The world had color in it again.  Something had changed.  Now yes, I realize that my cancer has an 85% survival rate, for patients my age the rate is 93%, but you never know where in that percentage you might end up falling.  While I believed I would make it, everyone has moments of doubt.

I have learned through this trial that fear really is the enemy of faith. It chases out all the light and keeps you from really seeing the world as it should be, rather than out it is.  My life is good.  I have three beautiful children, a wonderful husband, family that are fearless, friends that are strong, and love all around.  What do I have to ever complain about again? (I hope that Coach doesn't read this).

I did 'Fight like a Girl.'  I told everyone I knew about this.  I had to.  I couldn't fight alone.  I put up my dukes, and then you did the rest.  The family and I went to Olive Garden to celebrate the test results.  Yeah, we're fancy like that.  Then we did something I haven't done in awhile.....had ice cream that tasted good.  My taste buds have been so out of whack that I couldn't really stand the taste of sweet things, though I would cram them down because the old me REALLY loved them.  Today, the ice cream tasted divine.

On the way home the fam I were talking about different things, and came upon the individual who is doing 26 random acts of kindness to commemorate the 26 children lost back East.  The kiddos wanted to know what random acts of kindness were.  I talked to them about the checks that came in the mail, the ninjas on our doorsteps, the cards, the letters, the FB posts, the emails, the visits, the car rides, the meals, the blessings, the phone calls, the text message- all the things that made this fight possible.  Some random, some not.  All acts of kindness.

We've made a goal to perform 2,013 random acts of kindness this year, in an attempt to pay forward what was given to us.  We did the math and that's about 5.5 acts a day.  With 5 of us, this should work out.  I would like to think our lives have been changed for the better, and would like to change someone else's life too.

So.  There you have it.  Yep, there will be follow-up exams; 1 every 3 months for the next year.  Another PET Scan at the end of this glorious year, and then we'll see what the future holds.  For now I can say with certainty that the future holds more stirrups, more ducks, more KY, and possibly more fabulous hospital wear.  For today, I can peacefully say that I am cancer free.  While I can breath a little easier, I know there are wonderful men, women & children still fighting against this terrible disease.  Please help me in praying for them and their families.  This world is a beautiful place because of the fighters, and those who stand beside them as they fight.

All my love & gratitude~ Kami