Monday, May 13, 2013

Energy!!.....Here Energy!!!

When all of this began nearly 9 months ago, I was tired a lot.  I thought that it was because of our recent move and the crazy motion that three boys always are in.  Turned out, I had cancer.

Fast forward 9 months, past the treatment and the roller-coaster ride that is knowledge and education.  I've finished with everything and we're 5 months past my declaration of a cancer free body- but I still can't keep up.

I know I've already written about my 'new normal,' but I think I may have lied about accepting it.  Actually, I'm pretty sure I did.  Don't get me wrong, when I wrote it I felt fairly confident that I could accept it.  That I would be able to, in the long run, just be content with the fact that I was breathing.....but......

I'm not.

I wake up each morning with a mental list of things I want to accomplish and by 10 a.m., I'm beat.  Still, I push through and force myself to stay awake and do the things that Moms-at-Home do: laundry, cleaning, playing with the last remaining boy, clean some more, figure out dinner, visit with friends, help others, be happy, clean, cook get the idea.

Tonight as I'm writing this: I. Am. Exhausted.  Mentally, physically, emotionally, nearly spiritually (but not quite).  I'm dead tired and I feel like dead weight.  I don't get nearly the same amount of things done that I used to and I find that I'm angry all of the time.  Pure anger.

I'm not sure if that's the lull of the hormones in my body, or my mental exhaustion catching up with me, but I find myself sharing waaaay too much; snapping waaaay too often; and trying really hard to find more patience with the world around me, when I really need to be more patient with myself.

I think the Kami of 2 years ago is dead.  There I said it.  I really think she is.  Perhaps we should have a funeral.  I don't know.  It's so hard not to compare yourself to others.  I see other survivors who have been through far worse than I ever will and they're out running around, doing marathons, hiking, and I just can't get there.  I'm very much aggravated about it.

What's a girl to do?  The last time I used the bathroom, nothing burned per se, but I feel like my bladder is trying to make a break for it.  At any given time I feel like it's going to peel backwards out of my nether region and take off running for freedom.  No joke.

I'm currently working of finding a solution to my health insurance conundrum so that I can go to some follow-up visits.  Right now that's not feasible.  I may be angry about that as well, who knows?

So many things wrapped up into life.  I have a question for you: What do you do when you're angry, to find your center again?  What gets you going when you're just too tired to go?  Feel free to answer me in anyway you like!!

Thank you for reading and for journeying on with me! ~Kami