Monday, May 13, 2013

Energy!!.....Here Energy!!!

When all of this began nearly 9 months ago, I was tired a lot.  I thought that it was because of our recent move and the crazy motion that three boys always are in.  Turned out, I had cancer.

Fast forward 9 months, past the treatment and the roller-coaster ride that is knowledge and education.  I've finished with everything and we're 5 months past my declaration of a cancer free body- but I still can't keep up.

I know I've already written about my 'new normal,' but I think I may have lied about accepting it.  Actually, I'm pretty sure I did.  Don't get me wrong, when I wrote it I felt fairly confident that I could accept it.  That I would be able to, in the long run, just be content with the fact that I was breathing.....but......

I'm not.

I wake up each morning with a mental list of things I want to accomplish and by 10 a.m., I'm beat.  Still, I push through and force myself to stay awake and do the things that Moms-at-Home do: laundry, cleaning, playing with the last remaining boy, clean some more, figure out dinner, visit with friends, help others, be happy, clean, cook get the idea.

Tonight as I'm writing this: I. Am. Exhausted.  Mentally, physically, emotionally, nearly spiritually (but not quite).  I'm dead tired and I feel like dead weight.  I don't get nearly the same amount of things done that I used to and I find that I'm angry all of the time.  Pure anger.

I'm not sure if that's the lull of the hormones in my body, or my mental exhaustion catching up with me, but I find myself sharing waaaay too much; snapping waaaay too often; and trying really hard to find more patience with the world around me, when I really need to be more patient with myself.

I think the Kami of 2 years ago is dead.  There I said it.  I really think she is.  Perhaps we should have a funeral.  I don't know.  It's so hard not to compare yourself to others.  I see other survivors who have been through far worse than I ever will and they're out running around, doing marathons, hiking, and I just can't get there.  I'm very much aggravated about it.

What's a girl to do?  The last time I used the bathroom, nothing burned per se, but I feel like my bladder is trying to make a break for it.  At any given time I feel like it's going to peel backwards out of my nether region and take off running for freedom.  No joke.

I'm currently working of finding a solution to my health insurance conundrum so that I can go to some follow-up visits.  Right now that's not feasible.  I may be angry about that as well, who knows?

So many things wrapped up into life.  I have a question for you: What do you do when you're angry, to find your center again?  What gets you going when you're just too tired to go?  Feel free to answer me in anyway you like!!

Thank you for reading and for journeying on with me! ~Kami


Heidi said...

I feel like I should have some words of wisdom for you (that's me, the fount of all wisdom-- NOT) but nothing is coming to mind.

All I can think is that I can sympathize a tiny bit-- not fully, because I don't think I'm anywhere near as tired as you (though I'm a little bit angry myself that you never let those of us around you know just HOW tired you are so we can pick up more of the slack)-- but I have the same sense of frustration and anger and impatience with myself because I am not who I want to be, or doing all that I think I should be doing. I don't have a solution. I haven't figured it out yet myself.

I just try to go to bed a little earlier and start over the next day. One foot in front of the other, never giving up. Even if I'm moving at a snail's pace (physically or mentally or spiritually). Even a snail's pace has to get me somewhere eventually.

Stefanie said...

I can sympathize as well. After a long pregnancy and twelve weeks of bed rest, I was ready to hit the ground running after Finley was born. But physically and mentally, I felt so frustrated at my lack of energy and stamina. In some ways I feel like I never got it back. I still feel so mad at myself when I have to give up and rest.
Maybe some of my anger and maybe some of yours was really grief. I was mad that I missed out on so much and mad that my body required so much extra attention. I grieved the pregnancy that I wanted. Slowly I'm learning to accept that it was what it was and its okay. I'm not quite there yet.
Maybe the anger is just the another stage of the grief/acceptance process of you. I'm here if you ever need to talk. I have no idea about cancer, but I'm always willing to listen.

Anonymous said...

For starters Kami, you can`t take a break from daily life. This isn`t as counter-productive as it sounds given the thing you most want is to seize daily life as you did. I sense you want to avoid any reminder of the horrors of the last nine months, but maybe if you could tell the truth with others who know and UNDERSTAND precisely how you feel, the anger which is consuming your emotional energy will subside. I`m loathe to suggest this but you did say to come forth with suggestions, and here`s one.
Why not take a peek at the website. The Cervical Cancer Forum has such lovely, positive, ladies who know EVERYTHING especially how you mustn`t recover alone. I find the same uplifting words on Inspire`s MS/Autoimmune Forum, because I`m dead tired too.
Best of all you can vent under a user name so you have complete privacy and a little corner of life all to yourself. Bliss awaits!!! London xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

`Slowly, Slowly, Catchy Monkey`, that`s how I deal with incandescence. As I pootle lethargically through my days, I bide my time until I identify the irritation then deal with it quite ruthlessly. Anger probably saps more energy than running 20 miles.

Anonymous said...

When those of us with fatigue see others with the same condition rush effortlessly, we don`t know what has gone on behind the scenes in preparation, nor what happens after these bursts of energy.
I have Multiple Sclerosis and sometimes with this comes apathy of monumental proportions.
It`s good not to care sometimes.

Anonymous said...

Oh joy, Kami must be too busy skiving in the