It's Working

Hi everyone! It's been a few months since my last crazy post, and all is well.  I have been able to meet with a counselor/therapist a couple of times now and so have my boys so we are working on finding a new normal. I can't say enough about the level of love, and consideration that we've been shown by friends, family and the community that we live in.

Who would have ever thought that this would be our lives, even just two years ago?

To get back to our cervical friends, I was supposed to have a follow-up on June 3rd, but found myself very agitated with my insurance company (again and again) and so I went shopping in the Marketplace and found new insurance.  It's pretty good stuff, but I haven't had enough time to sit down and work out if my oncologist is covered, and how to primary care physician...blah blah blah.  In short, I'm still working out the kinks in my new insurance and then it will all change again.

I got a job! I'm working at the school where my kids go- which is a fabulous place to be, and my insurance will change yet again in July.  It will be even better insurance and so I wait.  I plan to get my follow-up sometime in August and celebrate yet another milestone of cancer free cells.  I promise to remind the dingbatty doctor that I need to have my tunnel flushed with some saline goodness prior to the scrap-a-thon. Woohoo! It's a party.

Something to also look out for if this is a situation that you've found yourself in.  If you've lost your partner in life, and the option of intercourse three times a week is suddenly slammed shut; be diligent with the dialator. If you're not, things will begin to scar shut and when you do remember that it may be important down the -road to have that open....well.....it could get pretty painful.  SO....dialate away, because you're worth the extra time spent to have all openings in their proper form.

My boys are well.  The two oldest are currently in Moab with their Auntie, after getting to spend two nights at their other Auntie's house.  They are adventurous animals.  My youngest is here with me and we're doing all that we can to make the most of our one on one time.  Thank you for the prayers, the cheers, and the checking in to see how things are going.  I am grateful.  Always.

Much love,
Kami

Again and Again

It's been a bit of time.  Probably not enough, but a bit is better than time standing still; I suppose.

I had another check-up on February 26th and again Dr. B didn't get enough tissue on his swab to come to a conclusion about where I stand.  He's not worried.  So, I'm not worried.  His assistant did call to let me know that she's putting a note in my file that states that I need to have my area flooded with saline prior to the swab being taken so that more tissue can be scrapped.  From what I understand, they haven't been able to scrape through the radiated tissue for a clean sample that would come back with information rather than just abnormal.  All radiated tissue comes up abnormal.  I already knew I was abnormal.  It's kind of a hobby of mine.

Dr. B was not aware that Coach had passed away and asked where he was that morning.  Oddly enough I had promised Dr. B chocolate at the previous visit and instead of answering right away I replied that I had brought chocolate, as was my end of the bargain.  He just looked at me as I attempted to hand him a sparkly purple bag filled with Hershey's Hugs and Kisses.  So I let him know that Coach had suffered a major heart attack in October and was not going to make it to any more appointments.  Then I started to cry.

The human experience is a tricky thing.  I have now been able to make it through days without crying.  Only days.  I look forward to the time when I can say that I make it through weeks.  Not because I'm not madly in love with that Coach of mine, but because I'm hoping with time these pauses and reactions won't take my breath away. Because they do.  Running into people who aren't aware that Coach has passed away still adds to that scream trapped in my throat.  I'm afraid for the next lifetime there will always be a scream trapped in my throat.  It's the one that never quite made it out the morning of October 8th.  Oftentimes I can swallow it down, but there have been a few surprised faces that I find allow that scream to bubble up.  Thankfully it ends up coming out like an awkward laugh; not quite hysteria, but odd enough that the other person stares.  Then they feel embarrassed, and I find myself comforting them.  This was the case with Dr. B.  He kept apologizing and I kept telling him not to worry, it was okay (even though none of this is okay).

So, long story short: still no results on my tests.  Each day keeps coming and going.  I am still grateful for my happily, ever, after.  I still long for my best friend.

Happy days are ahead.  I know it.

Lost in Transition

There's really no easy way to talk about any of this.  I feel a need to at least let everyone know that I did have my check-up last August, and the Dr. didn't get enough sample on his pap swab to do anyone a bit of good, but I did get a bill for it. Ha!

I have another check-up in February, where I'll be sure to let Dr. B know that he needs to scrape extra hard to make sure we get what we need. (winky winky).  This is a bit tricky as it will be the first doctor's visit with Dr. B that my husband wasn't with me.

I miss him.

A lot.

Moving forward, and hating every single step. Thankfully I have three wonderful reasons to keep moving forward, at least until I like it a little bit.

Still grateful for what I know to be true.  Thankful for family and friends who continue to love me, warts and all.  Thankful for three little boys who pray for me every morning and night.  I am thankful.  Tired and weary, but thankful.

Much love,
Kami