Sunday, August 19, 2012

B.A.B.I.E.S.

*Disclaimer: The following is going to be a bit of a whine.  Please don't think badly of me.  It's just what I'm going through right now, and I've promised to be honest with this.


Two weeks ago, I was told that I would probably not have any more children.  These words, at the time, were jumbled in with a bunch of other nasty phrases and it's just hitting me this week just how much this hurts.

I have been blessed with three beautiful boys and a body that was able to carry them.  They have been my life for the past 10 years.  I have a super supportive husband who's life goal has been to make sure that I'm able to stay home and take care of our family, if that's what I wanted to do.  For 10 years it has been what I want to do.  I've learned a lot in those 10 years.  Let me tell you what I've learned, one child at a time.

Mr. P-town over here is my first born.  He's the guinea pig that all parents are typically talking about.  He taught me how to fight.  He and I had a hard time at first; from breast-feeding to learning how to take a baby out in public.  We fought hard for those independent moments.  It was all so new to me, and thankfully he was so patient.  He has also taught me that it's possible to live with your heart outside of your body.

Captain K taught me that babies can be easy.  Always so mellow, easy going, hardly every cried.  He just wanted to be cuddled.  Super chill.  He taught me how to savor each day.  All things were and still are new and precious with K, and so they became with me.  K also showed me that love is exponential.




My final baby is G.  He has blessed my life by testing my patience.  He has always been an intense little guy from the moment he came into this world he was screaming and not a day goes by that he doesn't scream at least once or twice. Love requires patience and because of him I'm a lot more easygoing about the things that don't matter. He's also the go to guy for a buddy.  He wants to be with someone at all times.  And isn't life better with a buddy?  I think so.



So now we come to the reason for this whole post.  I can't have anymore children.  I'm angry about that.  I feel betrayed by my own body that has always been so strong and able to do whatever I asked of it.  On the other hand I feel ridiculous for griping about this because how many people out there would LOVE to have just a moment of what I live every day?  How selfish of me to want more.  But I do.  I cry at night about it.  When everyone else is sleeping, my arms ache for the 4th child I'll never hold, raise and love.  It hurts.  I'm sorry, but it does.  So, now that I've thrown that out there, I guess I can begin to let go.

My sweetheart, Coach, would rather have me with him than a million more children, but I still feel a wee bit like I've failed because I was stupid.  I neglected something so important and now I can't control the outcome.  I could delete this post, and pretend I don't feel this way....but that would be dishonest.  Instead, I'll let this stand as an entry to that last child that won't be mine in this life.  I love you. ~ Kami

7 comments:

Tilton Bunch said...

Oh my Dear, amazing, beautiful, powerful Kamitha, I love you so very much and my heart aches with the thoughts that you are struggling through this day. I think your candid and open account of the day-to-day life you are living right now is truly amazing. From a reminder to get my yearly checkup, to helping me remember how precious and lucky I am to have my sweet babies in my life; you still touch my heart in ways you will probably never comprehend. All my love, prayers, and support from somewhat far away to you. Miss you, Sweetie!!! -Samantha

Amanda Dipo said...

Nice job! I love it!
Love you and all your crazy wild boys!

Heidi said...

Thank you for so honestly sharing! I think it can only help for you to keep it real, and this is as real as it gets.

Right after I had Kendra I had some serious problems that ended with my doc telling me that having another baby would be very dangerous and we needed to be done. I should have taken it well-- after all, both Terence and I had felt like Kendra was the last-- but it still hurt. It hurt a lot more than I expected. I grieved the loss of any future babies. I think that your grieving and anger is normal and I'm glad you can put it out here and share it. It helps the rest of us too. Hang in there, Kami! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Anonymous said...

Kami, your honesty is right on and not uncommon at all. My daughter had to face the fact she could not have the 4th child she wanted either. Life isn't always fair we know, but it's good. Thanks for sharing. Keep up the fight "Princess Warrior".

Watson Family said...

Sending, and linking, all of my love and prayers for your health and happiness, truly!!!

Ali P. said...

As women, we are given the wonderful ability to "create" within our own bodies-directly with heaven. Our bodies are meant to create, and when that power is taken away from you for whatever reason, I believe that there really is a loss, a grieving of the possibilities that our imperfect bodies can do, create something perfect. That talk from Elder Uchtdorf on our need to create things was really good. It is what women do! So go ahead and be angry, and sad, and frustrated. You are losing part of who you are as a woman! :)

Cambrienelson said...

I think your honesty is wonderful.
Crying with you.